


TWENTY QUESTIONS

by rubyelf



Category: Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Group Sex, Multi, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-29
Updated: 2012-02-29
Packaged: 2017-10-31 22:23:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubyelf/pseuds/rubyelf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merry asks a favor of a friend in order to make sure that the other three hobbits go back to the Shire well-educated in the ways of women. No real woman / hobbit action at all, but a lot of bad jokes and an easily distracted Pippin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	TWENTY QUESTIONS

TITLE: TWENTY QUESTIONS

AUTHOR: [](http://rubyelf.livejournal.com/profile)[**rubyelf**](http://rubyelf.livejournal.com/)  


CHARACTERS: Merry/Pippin/Sam/Frodo/Eowyn. Yes, you read that correctly. 

RATING: R

WARNINGS: NOT ruby-verse; some implied and some minor het content, significant silliness, bad hobbit jokes

SUMMARY: Merry asks a favor of a friend in order to make sure that the other three hobbits go back to the Shire well-educated in the ways of women. 

DISCLAIMER: Characters do not belong to me. They are just here to play

A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR: [](http://offski.livejournal.com/profile)[**offski**](http://offski.livejournal.com/)

 

  
**TWENTY QUESTIONS**

 

“I will say again, Meriadoc, that you have an extraordinary amount of nerve, to come here and ask me this.”

Eowyn’s arms were crossed as she walked away, but from where he sat perched on her bed, Merry could see the smile twitching at the corner of her mouth.

“My Lady, I thought we had firmly established that hobbits are not children and are capable of all sorts of interesting things despite our small size.”

Eowyn’s cheeks flushed. “At times, I believe we have established that your small size can be an advantage, or at least be used to interesting effect.”

“And that we are not so terribly small in some particular areas,” Merry said, with such a cheeky expression that Eowyn lost her battle and burst out laughing as she returned to sit beside him on the bed.

“You are correct, young Meriadoc. But although you’ve demonstrated your skills in such matters, I hardly see why I should allow what you’re suggesting.”

“First off,” Merry said, “because I will spend the time between now and my friends’ arrival making it _most_ worth your while. Second, because you will be doing a good deed for a friend and for some poor young hobbits much in need of a proper education. You wouldn’t have them go back to the Shire as great heroes, only to have the lasses find out that they’re quite useless in bed?”

She shook her head. “I am not at all certain about that second part, my friend, and as for the first part…”

Merry raised his eyebrows hopefully.

“You will have to put that time to _very_ good use indeed.”

......  
   
The four hobbits made their way through the halls of Edoras, Sam keeping an uneasy eye on Merry in an attempt to figure out what he was up to, Frodo attempting to hush a noisy and excited Pippin, and Merry leading the way with a cocky grin and his chin in the air, refusing to give anyone a hint as to where they were going.

“Can’t you even tell us what _kind_ of surprise it is?” Pippin pleaded.

Merry smirked. “It’s the _surprising_ kind.”

“If you really want to surprise me, you’d tell me that you and Mr. Peregrin didn’t have something stupid planned for a change,” Sam muttered.

“Can we play twenty questions?” Pippin asked.

“All right,” Merry said indulgently. “Go ahead. Question one.”

“Is it animal, mineral, or vegetable?”

Merry snickered. “I suppose it would be ‘animal’.”

Pippin grinned. “Can you eat it?”

“You _would_ ask that,” Frodo muttered.

“Well? Can you?”

Merry’s smirk widened. “You can, but only if it lets you.”

Frodo raised an eyebrow, but Pippin continued eagerly.

“Does it have fur?”

“In certain places,” Merry said, trying to keep a straight face. Frodo was looking at him with considerable suspicion now, but Pippin charged onward.

“It’s an animal you can eat… that has fur in places… can you ride it?”

“Good lord, Pippin!” Merry burst out, and nearly collapsed against the wall laughing.

“Well?” Pippin demanded, crossing his arms.

“Only if you know what you’re doing,” Merry managed to gasp out.

Pippin scowled. “You’re not playing properly.”

“I’m trying, Pip. I swear I am. Ask another one.”

“All right… can you milk it?”

That was it for Merry; he was laughing so hard that Sam had to pick him up off the floor and set him on his feet before they could continue on their way.

.....

When the foursome finally arrived at their destination, Merry tapped briskly on the door.

“Who is it?” a female voice asked.

“A certain extraordinarily handsome young hobbit,” Merry replied.

There was the sound of a lock turning, and then the door opened just a crack. Merry peered in, then turned back to the others, grinning.

“All right, then. Shall we?”

He pushed the door open a bit more and waved the other three into the room before stepping in behind them.

Eowyn was stretched out across the bed, wearing nothing but golden blond hair draped across her naked skin. She met the arrival of the four hobbits with an indulgent smile and a shift of her long legs to reveal a hint of darker honey-gold hair between them.

Sam turned to leave so abruptly that he ran into the door Merry had just closed behind them. Frodo froze, staring blankly. Pippin’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped, but only for a moment before he recovered and broke into a wide grin.

“This is the surprise?” Frodo asked, regaining the ability to speak. “A girl?”

“That,” Pippin said, pointing to Eowyn, “is not a _girl_.”

“What do you suppose it is, then, Mr. Pippin?” Sam asked, rolling his eyes. “A carrot?”

“That,” he said confidently, “is a _woman_.”

Eowyn laughed and gave Pippin an approving nod. Merry glanced at him and chuckled.

“That’s my lad.”

“You can say whatever you want,” Sam said firmly, “but Mr. Frodo and I area leaving right this minute. Aren’t we, Mr. Frodo?”

Merry frowned. “Why would you do that?”

“Because this is ridiculous, sir, and Mr. Frodo…”

“Mr. Frodo is just fine,” Pippin interrupted. “Besides, Sam, is this how you’re going to act when you finally get poor Rosie naked?”

Sam turned bright red and clenched his jaw. “Don’t you talk about Miss Rosie that way.”

Pippin giggled. “Well, if you’re planning on marrying her, it’s probably going to happen at some point.”

“And for Rosie’s sake, don’t you think you ought to have at least a bit of an education?” Merry asked. “I mean, really… if you had her right now you would barely know which end of her was up. And the same goes for you, Frodo. So you two just stay where you are, and if you don’t want to participate in your education, just sit there and be quiet and try to learn something useful. Shall we, Pip?”

He took Pippin by the hand and led him toward the bed. To his amusement, neither Sam nor Frodo seemed to be making any immediate effort to leave, despite Sam’s protests. Eowyn, who had watched the exchange with obvious entertainment, rolled to the side to give Merry and Pippin room to climb onto the bed. Pippin sat back on his heels, admiring the sight in front of him with large eyes.

“You look quite astonished, young Pippin,” she said cheerfully.

“I… I’ve never seen those before,” he said, his stare clearly indicating the target of his fascination. “At least, I’ve only seen them with clothes over them.”

“These are a particularly nice pair,” Merry said, grinning as he leaned over and cupped a hand under one round breast. “Lovely and soft.”

Eowyn laughed and held out a hand to Pippin. “Come here.”

He allowed himself to be pulled closer, and after waiting for a moment to see if he would take the initiative, Eowyn grabbed his hand and placed it firmly on her breast, the one that Merry wasn’t currently playing with.

“Ooooh,” Pippin murmured, face flushing. “That is soft.”

“Told you so,” Merry said. “Sam, Frodo, are you two going to come over here or not?”

“No thank you!” Sam said emphatically.

“What a shame,” Eowyn said, shrugging her shoulders.

“I beg your pardon, my Lady?”

“Well, I could teach you some things that would most certainly make your little Rosie lass think she was the luckiest girl in Middle Earth if you tried them on her.”

Sam shifted his feet uneasily. “I don’t know about…”

“You don’t know about what?” Merry demanded. “What a terrible thing it would be if you saw Rosie and the other lasses talking the day after your wedding night, and you noticed all the other lasses staring at you and whispering and blushing when they heard about…”

“Meriadoc!” Sam burst out, so shocked that he forgot his usual manners.

“Just get over here,” Pippin said.

Sam sighed, but to Merry’s great amusement he reluctantly approached the bed.

“Don’t quite see how this is a good idea,” he muttered. “But I suppose if it’s for Rosie’s sake…”

“Good lad,” Merry said, slapping him on the shoulder as he climbed onto the bed.

Pippin glanced at Frodo, but caught a quick look and a head shake from Merry and said nothing. Sam sighed and ran cautious eyes over the long, slender figure before him.

“No offense meant, my Lady… I didn’t mean to suggest that you’re anything but lovely. I hope you’ll forgive me for…”

She smiled and grasped his hand. “Sam, you are the most gentlemanly creature I have ever encountered, and some young hobbit will be very lucky to have you one day.”

Merry cleared his throat. “Enough chit-chat, then. Shall we commence the instruction?”

“Where exactly would you like to start?” the subject of the instruction inquired. “I suppose…”

Her breath caught, as Pippin, who had been curiously fondling her breast, had made his way to a nipple and given it an experimental pinch. She raised her eyebrows and looked at him.

“Sorry,” he said, turning red. “Merry likes it when…”

“Oh, I know that quite well,” Eowyn said, glancing fondly toward Merry. “But you mustn’t just start off with pinching, young Pippin. Some ladies like it, and that wasn’t terribly hard, but some girls aren’t used to having those played with…”

“And if you pinch them like that, you’re likely to find yourself out of bed on your arse,” Merry added. “Sam, I’ve seen you work in the garden. You’ve got a gentle touch when you want to… show our over-eager young friend here how to use it.”

Sam gave Merry a sharp look, but Eowyn smiled at him and nodded. His cheeks reddening, he closed his eyes and carefully laid one hand on her breast as if it might attack him on contact. Finding that it didn’t, he opened one eye just a crack and began carefully tracing his fingers down to brush lightly over the nipple. Eowyn shivered.

“See,” Merry said approvingly. “That’s how you’ll want to start off, Pip. If she wants ‘em pinched and played with, she’ll let you know soon enough.”

Pippin giggled and cupped both hands under Eowyn’s other breast, bouncing it up and down. Merry rolled his eyes, and Sam gave the young hobbit a sharp look.

“Mr. Pippin, that’s quite disrespectful.”

Merry burst out laughing, and Eowyn muffled a giggle. Pippin gave up playing with the breast and started trailing his fingers lower down the slender abdomen.

“No working ahead, Pip,” Merry chided. “Especially since you’ve hardly mastered this part yet! Get back up here and get back to work on these breasts immediately.”

Pippin muttered something under his breath, but returned to his assigned task. Sam shook his head disapprovingly.

“I pity the lass who ends up in bed with you, Mr. Pippin.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Eowyn said, smiling. “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of playfulness, necessarily. But you can’t just treat them like toys… you ought to have some idea what to do with them.”

Merry allowed her to continue instructing Pippin while he took the opportunity to sneak a glance at Frodo, who was still standing by the door with eyes as big as apples and a stunned expression on his face.

“Pippin!” Eowyn exclaimed sharply.

Merry turned to find Pippin sitting back with his arms crossed as Sam glared at him.

“I was trying to be gentle!” the youngest hobbit protested.

Eowyn sighed. Merry chuckled and pulled Pippin closer so he could whisper in his ear.

“Pip… you know how careful you are when you’ve got your mouth on my most sensitive bits?”

Pippin flushed slightly and grinned at the thought. “Yeah… I like those bits.”

“Well, that’s how you have to treat a lass’s sensitive bits too, Pip. Just imagine you’re doing it to me…”

Pippin smirked. “I’d rather be doing it to you.”

Merry crossed his arms. “You are supposed to be getting an education.”

Pippin slid a little closer and turned his head so that his mouth, that sinfully soft little mouth that could whisper such appalling things or offer such brilliant kisses, was against Merry’s ear.

“I already know how to please you, don’t I?”

“Well, yes, but what about…”

Pippin giggled and nuzzled his neck. “Why would I want to play with girls when I could have you…”

The things he could have Merry doing to him were quite dirty and had Merry so entirely distracted that he didn’t realize for a moment that Sam and Eowyn were looking at him with amusement.

“Is your cousin distracting you, Meriadoc?” Eowyn asked.

“He’s rather good at that,” Merry admitted. “I’m sorry…”

She laughed and kissed his nose. “Don’t be silly, little one. I’ve known since the first day you came to Edoras that your heart belongs to Pippin.”

“I like you, too,” Merry said.

She ruffled his hair. “I know. And you’ve made a valiant effort to educate your young cousin here, but I don’t believe that this is a subject he’s particularly interested in excelling in… not yet, anyway. He is young and in love, after all…”

Pippin grinned and kissed Merry’s cheek before turning to meet Eowyn’s eyes. “I would be interested, my Lady, in seeing what sorts of things you’ve been doing to my Merry that I may not have thought of yet.”

Sam sighed and shook his head. “Begging your pardon, but I’m not having anything to do with…”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Merry said lightly. “We’ll let you and Frodo play too. Frodo? Are you going to get up here or just stand by the door and look horrified?”

“I think I’ll go for standing by the door and looking horrified, thank you,” Frodo said.

“But Frodo…” Merry protested. “What better opportunity are you going to get to learn about what to do with a lady?”

“I don’t want to know what to do with a lady,” Frodo argued, looking slightly panicked.

“You don’t want to know?” Pippin asked, raising his eyebrows. “Why on earth not? Don’t you want to know how to please a lady when you finally manage to…”

“No, I don’t!” Frodo exclaimed.

“Why not?” Merry insisted. “You know ladies like you…”

Frodo’s voice was high and frantic when he burst out, “But I don’t like ladies!”

Merry and Pippin glanced at each other knowingly, not even pretending to be surprised. Sam, however, nearly had to pick his jaw up off the bed.

“Mr. Frodo!”

Frodo’s eyes widened even more, realizing what he’d said, and he turned on his heels and bolted out the door.

“Mr. Frodo!” Sam exclaimed, leaping off the bed and racing after him. “Mr. Frodo… wait…”

Merry leaned back, grinning smugly. Eowyn laughed.

“Mission accomplished, Meriadoc?”

“I do believe so,” Merry said.

“That was your plan?” Pippin demanded. “To have Frodo get upset and run off?”

“No, idiot,” Merry said, punching him lazily. “To get Frodo to admit in front of Sam that he doesn’t like girls.”

“What difference does that… ohh!” Pippin said, suddenly understanding. Eowyn, amused, patted him on the shoulder.

“So you understand, then, little Pippin?”

“I believe I do,” the young hobbit said, turning to look at her. “But… I still want to see what you and I can do to Merry if we work together on it.”

Merry shifted uneasily as two pairs of curious and rather predatory eyes turned on him. “That wasn’t necessarily part of the plan…”

“One thing I know about ladies that you apparently don’t, Merry…” Pippin said.

“What’s that?”

“Any plans you make that involve them are likely to not end up quite the way you had in mind.”

Merry raised his eyebrows. “I see. I suppose my plan could be… reinterpreted.”

“You’re finished planning,” Eowyn said, as Pippin giggled. “Now, Pippin… why don’t you demonstrate for me exactly how a young hobbit manages to drive his cousin out of his mind?”

Pippin grinned. “With pleasure, my Lady.”

 

  



End file.
